@#$%^&:) <--- That's How I Feel

Two years ago, I remember crying outside my house in the 90F heat not knowing where to go, what to do, or who to turn to; feeling like there was never an end to this road I was too stubborn to give up. And today – Feb 26^th, 2012 (4 days before my Closer of Service date) – during a dinner with some teachers, one asked me “so what will you take back with you to tell your people in America, what did you learn?” … I said “Patience”. To be honest, I was not sure how they would react, I did not want them to feel offended that Thai culture was that exhausting (for a better word) to make me learn the lesson of ‘patience’ that I somehow perhaps skipped through in America. Surprisingly, they were very proud and happy. I told them straight up, “as an American sometimes it’s very difficult for us to keep our thoughts quiet when we are unhappy, frustrated or when we simply disagree, to not be able to speak up, to deal with things about 99.9% of the time with a smile and to have TONS of patience- ALL THE TIME. But by being here, you not only see the negative effects of not being able to express your mind but also , the negatives effect of what we were taught growing up which is to “always” speak your mind. I learned that with patience, you need to develop a balance.

Looking back at that ‘ never ending road’ and now being so close to seeing the end, I’m stuck in this bittersweet moment of “ now what?, how do I feel ?” . Honestly, I’m not quite sure. Am I proud that I didn’t give up – Hell Yes. Am I happy that I will be on a plane in a few days? – Yes. Am I happy to leave my site and not know when I will be back? - I don’t know. Just like any other dysfunctional families, I’ve been adopted into a village full of brothers who say inappropriate things to me sometimes, aunts that tell me when I am getting fat, uncles that only talk to me when they are drunk or ask me “if I’ve eaten yet and when am I eating” repeatedly EVERYDAY before dinner, and sisters that I enjoy nice, genuine conversations with once in a while so it’s hard to realize and accept that, after two years, you are leaving all that behind.

I won’t lie, it will definitely feel good to

1. Be around my family and friends in the States
2. Have a hot shower
3. Not be sweating 24/7 unless you are in the AC (at the office)
4. Have a variety of food choices for dinner
5. Not have to hear comments about my weight every other day (whether if I’m losing weight or if I’ve gotten fatter)
6. Actually have a hairstyle (lol)
7. Not worry about aunts (I don’t mind the geckos that much, I like them J
8. Not have to keep trash in my fridge - until I can throw it out the next day (because I worry about aunts)
9. Have a car
10. Not have to defend why I don’t look white, have blonde hair - don’t look like a true ‘ farang – foreigner’

I think, as I write this, what I really want to avoid is saying good-bye … especially saying good-bye to people that I’m not quite sure when I will see again (if I’ll ever see them again) and that is the ‘bittersweet’ part of this good-bye. Being on that final plane out of Thailand will feel great but everything up until that moment is what I want to avoid… because I am not sure if I am ready to handle all that yet.

I Survived Full Moon Party!!!!

January of 2010 when I first came to Thailand, not knowing what to expect, not knowing how to speak, not knowing where my journey was about to take me, 2012 seemed like decades away. And today, Jan 11^th 2012, I am here as a different person than I was in 2010. To explain how different I am, I would have to go into some cliché story about how Peace Corps made me a better person, instead I’m just going to ask you to take my words for it so I can tell you about a different experience- my experience at the most epic party in Thailand – the FULL MOON PARTY!

As you can imagine Full Moon parties take place each month during the full moon, so this month it was on January 8^th (Sunday). I decided that it was my duty as someone who has lived in Thailand for two plus years to attend a Full Moon party once before I leave the country. With that in mind, couple of my friends and I took the overnight train, bus, and boat to Koh Panghan ( Panghan Island) where the full moon party takes place. Well, let me tell you, the MOST FUN part of our experience was watching all the other foreigners (farangs as Thais call them) get belligerently drunk, twist their ankles (continue dancing with a twisted ankle), party in crutches, and become WAY TOO sexually active on the beach while 20,000 people pass by. At one point, we seriously were afraid for this guy’s life because we thought he was having a heart attack from drinking too much/being passed out for hours on the beach. The day of the actual full moon, we spent 1 + hours walking around, less than 1 hour dancing and 3-4 hours WATCHING others. I know, it doesn’t sound all that fun when you put it that way but it was - trust me! The entertainment these party-animals bring at full moon parties is better than anything you have seen on Jersey Shore. One of the nights when I was riding back on a tuk-tuk (google it) with other farangs, one of them slurring his words as he tried to have a conversation with me was actually a DOCTOR back in Ireland, and I said to him " well I hope your cancer patients never see you like this " ( he's lucky that what happens at full moon stays at full moon )

In the midst of watching this live entertainment, Emily (one of my PCV friends) says – “Sometimes, don’t you just look around and realize how lucky you are to be who you are, who you are not and who you are becoming???”

Here is what I think about that question – I never want to judge someone else for being who they are; and I won’t say I have never done that but I try my best everyday to accept/appreciate! Even the people at full moon who are having a BLAST doing what they are doing, dancing their butts off with a twisted ankle, and thinking they have fallen in love with the guy dancing behind them – hey more power to you! Everyone goes through times that they are not proud of and trust me, I have had more than a handful of those but at the end of the day, as Constantine from The Help says “ quit feeling sorry for yourself- now that is just Ugly”. So yes, I guess I will say that I am more than thankful everyday for who I am and where I am going with my life. And I especially, try to not regret the not so proud moments I have had in the past because at the end of the day, I am sure even the most non-proud moment once put a smile on my face and contributed to who I am today. Hence, I refused to feel sorry for myself/for my mistakes. So to all the future participants of Full Moon parties, LIVE IT UP, do what you gota do, enjoy every moment either watching others or just by being you! As long as you come home alive and in one piece, every experience (even something as ridiculous as a full moon party) will be part of who you are years down the road!

Pain & Perspective

I lost my best-friend this morning. Since I had him last September, he became the only thing I missed while I was away from site, the only thing that showed so much excitement to see me come home, and the only thing that went through every day with me, through thick and thin. I know, I am talking about my Dog like he’s a human being. I never knew the power of an animal on a human-being but when you are alone in a country where, no matter how much you care for everyone around you, you can only deal with them in intervals at a time, where people will never, in a billion years, understand who you are, and where you end up talking to yourself after 8:00 pm because you are alone at your house; then a dog becomes the only thing (at least for me) that saves you from going crazy.

I remember when I was seven years old, my uncle brought me a dog for my birthday. I was so excited; though, I had it only for a day then they took it away from me saying it was unsanitary for a Muslim family to have a dog. I cried for an entire hour for a day I had for a day. Today, I lost a dog I had for 1 one year... I waited three hours for someone to help me bury him because from 9am to 12 people were too busy cooking. And the weirdest part was, just couple feet away from my house where I was sitting, patting a dead dog, trying to get bugs off him everyone minded their own business probably saying “look at her, why is she just sitting there like that…” I know, you can’t expect much from people who don’t even cry at their Mother’s funeral... And to answer their question, I was sitting there because I could not get myself to eat breakfast, drink my coffee and get ready for work while my dog was lying dead outside my house.

To those of you who didn’t know him or have seen him- he was a really cute dog. I had him when he was 1 months old from a girl who lived couple houses down from me. He howled pretty loudly at people he didn’t recognize but other than that, after he got used to you, he was the nicest dog around here. He was a brat though; he knew he lived a “different” kind of lifestyle, compared to the street dogs around here, so he took full advantage of it, of how much I cared for him. And honestly, I did spend way more money on food for Spike than myself. Just two days ago, I bought a bag of his favorite snacks and 500 baht worth medication for worm prevention. With all that, he taught me how to care. He really was my baby. I mean if I had a baby I would never let him/her play alone in the playground but, Spike was the closest thing I had that helped me feel that kind of care. I used to clean up his poop everyday (before he was trained), he loved sleeping next to me but I slowly had to let him sleep alone. I talked to him, played with him and just watched him play with his friend Pepsi the same way you watch a child. I remember one day I slipped on my yoga mat and fell flat on my stomach and he ran to me like he knew what just happened (it didn’t hurt much though). When I cried after my friends’ visits, he would be the only one thing left that would sit next to me and just ‘ be there’ for me. So, I think I have pretty strong grounds to say that losing him has been the hardest thing I had to go through here at my site. Like I said to a friend “the pain and anger my Supervisor caused me seems nothing compared to this” … and there really is no comparison.

It’s funny what life throws at you to make sure you keep things in perspective. Since last month, most of Central Thailand has been dealing with the worst flood in history; 200 + lives lost, 1000 + evacuated, houses destroyed, people’s income (i.e. rice fields) for months completely wiped out. Also, last week in the news, two-years-old girl was run over by a truck in China and NO ONE within those mere 13 minutes tried to save her life as people carelessly walked by while a baby was lying covered in blood. Finally, after being run over twice, a trash lady moved the baby off the road and called emergency. The baby girl died last week. I have my head in perspective; I know people around me, at this very moment, have it worse. I understand, life is never as bad as we imagine it to be because there are always people who suffer more losses, feel more pain than we ever will. But as human beings (maybe unless you’re Thai), for those mere couple minutes, days, months even the smallest pain that we feel, can be the worst thing that has ever happened to us.. …..and that should be OK.

My dear Spike, I still look under the bed for you, I still hope you come running to me, I still hope what I saw this morning was just a REALLY bad dream. I Love You and I Miss you! I really hope that you are at a better place - Keep howling and keep wagging that tail of yours- you were such a happy dog!

" Where is our gift?"

A week ago I had the pleasure of visiting Urumqi for a mere 9 days. It was everything that I know and love about Urumqi – great food, loving family, and loyal friends. To be more specific, the food is as delicious as ever. Anyone who saw me would comment on how much weight I’ve lost since I’ve been in Thailand so to that I would answer “ well, I am here to eat as much meat as possible and gain few pounds” Maybe I did not reach my goal of gaining 5 kilos but maybe perhaps 1-2 kilo hahaha. Although it was nice to hear comments that I look better with few pounds off, it got me thinking of the fact- well, I wasn’t trying to lose weight, I just don’t have a good source of meat at my site; especially when half the time I do not know which part of chicken or cow I am eating, so with that, I have sometimes stuck to a diet of …well, mushrooms and brown rice. Therefore, dining with friends and family eating liver, lamb kebabs, Uyghur laghman (noodles), traditional chicken dishes, and nan non-stop for an entire week was very satisfactory. Good food can really uplift a person’s spirit – go get yourself something delicious J

Most importantly, it was so nice to see my Mom back in Urumqi. My mom and I have not been in Urumqi together since we left Urumqi back in 2000. So it was nice to be back at home with her – though that meant her checking up on my whereabouts every other hour –“Hey party animal, where are you?”. Whenever I am in a room with my mom, my uncles (all 5 of them), my Grandma, my cousins I cannot help but just smile at everything that is going on – it’s like I take up all the positive energy, the laughter and the love. I know, no family is perfect and perhaps right now, my family is going through a very stressful time but it just feels good to be present with them all. I know it will be hard for me when I return to the States without my Mother but seeing her with Grandma while she deals with everyday family matters made me very happy for her.

Additionally, I think I have the most loyal friends in Urumqi J It has been 10+ plus years since I have left Urumqi and every year that I am back we get together like nothing has changed, like I never left. It is crazy, some of my friends have gotten married, and some of them have serious boyfriends whom they will probably marry by sometime next year. I am so happy for them all, and I am everyday so lucky to have friends that never gave up on our friendship. I made them promise to get married between May – July (2012) so I can attend every one of their weddings.

That is the gist of everything beautiful that I took away from Urumqi and I cannot wait to experience all of it and more next year! Coming back to Thailand was very difficult. The first day I got back, people that I just got presents for last month when I went to Bali and Singapore asked “hey where are our gifts?” To that I wanted to say “ Yes I am feeling fine, thank you for asking, excuse me while I deal with an English Camp that is coming up. Wait, didn’t I just bring you back gifts last month? Gosh have some decency! ” But of course, I could not. I got back to my village around 3:00 pm on Tuesday and went straight to the school to plan for an English camp that was happening that Thursday/Friday. I realized I had not eaten anything substantial all day, waited for my landlord for dinner then was served…..OH hello, Stir Fried Mushrooms and Vegetables... I am back in Thailand.

It's All About the Youth

*Disclaimer: I have met a few great teachers elsewhere in Thailand or in the big province level schools - what you are about to read is what I know here in my village.

Here is what I see EVERY TIME I walk into the classroom – the Thai teacher SITTING in the back of the classroom, with a stick in her hand and yelling out some instructions or instead of instructions, just bossing the kids around, calling them stupid, fat, or whatever else that suits her mood. Then I come in and she says “OH Kru (teacher) Dta Wan is here to teach all of you how to speak English”, the students follow that by a synchronized “good morning Teacher” (and its 1:00pm). Maybe once or twice out of all last year did I see her write or actually instruct her students. And she always complains to me “ oh dta wan, I am just so busy” so I think to myself, “ what are you SO busy with?”. The teacher rarely teaches anything, but I am expected to achieve fluency in all the students. Honestly, I really do not understand a lot of things (specifically in rural Thailand): how some teachers can become teachers without feeling ‘passionate’ about the kids /about education, how some teachers are considered 'english teachers' without a degree in English, or how a teacher is regarded as the utmost prestige of people (the damn TITLE) and the kids have to bend over backwards to serve them without getting anything beneficial in return? But you know, most of the time, you just stop asking, pondering and thinking of the unfairness of it all

Sometimes I wonder if it’s just me. I also had an education from an Asian country for 7 years of my life (elementary and a year of secondary). I’ve seen my friends (girls and guys) get beat up by the teacher because they were late for class; we used to work our asses off to clean the classroom every week while the teacher sat there and told us what to do. But at the same time, we learned so much from those same teachers, those same teachers would ‘bend over backwards’ FOR US to make sure we learned what we had to (and sometimes made us learn/study WAY too much). I had a teacher cry because she was so hurt from how much a classmate of mine had disappointed her. So I know, all Asian culture have their differences/similarities they might hit their kids the same (yes, corporal punishment is not right but development happens slowly), they might boss their students around the same because they simply can; but mostly importantly I think ALL teachers (rural and modern) should CARE THE SAME. They should show the same kind of passion for their job and especially for the future of these students. Because when you are little, all you need is someone that believes in you, someone who believes in the fact that with a little push, you can do better, be better and achieve something greater.

So I show up, no matter how much I dread the actual teaching of English (with my little to none teaching skills), I show up to be that little push; unfortunately, when little to nothing is being taught in class, and when 95% of the adults think the students are ‘only children’ with no capabilities, all that left is very little room for higher achievement. At the Life Skills camp last month, I asked during a session, “so you guys don’t want to be doctors, scientists, lawyers” and a majority of the kids replied “oh no no no, we cannot do that... Not capable” …

If you believe in what I am saying at least a little bit, please, help me be that little push by allowing me and the amazing members of the Youth Development GIG to host this year’s National Conference – Youth Serving YOUth. A conference might not change everything, but at least, for those 3 days, the Youth will be surrounded by people that truly believes in them, believes in their capability and the future of Youth as leaders of their village/of tomorrow (maybe also then, Thailand will stop having sub-district mayors that ONLY have a 4/5th grade education...just saying)

We would greatly appreciate your support and donations! (Sponsoring a group will cost $200 and sponsoring a single youth attendee will cost $60. As little as $1 or up to $1,000, any tax-deductible donation will be greatly appreciated)

--We cannot always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future – Franklin D. Roosevelt ----

Where am I NOW?

Figuratively, yes, I am still in Thailand but what I am trying to get to here is where I am mentally in retrospect to January 19^th 2010 – the date that I arrived here in Thailand. Have I grown as a person? Have I changed (or am I still the same ol’ me)? How do I feel about the Peace Corps?

First of all, I sure hope that I have grown as a person. I think I learned a lot the past 15 months- about myself, people, culture, and work. I have learned to calm down a lot and have really come to believe in the fact that things actually are not that bad. I think everyone to a degree exaggerates their current emotion/state of being whether it be heightened exuberance, depression, contentment … etc but at the end, all of that is only as heightened or as low as we allowed it to be. All of last year, I wanted to do so much, wanted to accomplish so much and literally put myself in tears because of frustrations. Then, I realized that with everything else that was around me, that I can actually enjoy and not take for granted, I allowed certain situations/people to make me feel miserable, unhappy and judgmental. But I think this year I am at a better place. Just yesterday, I went from wanting to punch my supervisor - I was seriously thinking to myself during that meeting “ugh I really just want to punch you right now” to in mere 5 minutes dozing off to ‘ la la land’. I mean, he was giving the work of me and 4 other volunteers zero credit because the camp wasn’t the way he imagined – so of course it was the fault of the volunteers. Anyhow, as a side note, the Youth Life Skills Camp went well because the volunteers and the Youth had a great, productive, fun time together and that is what matters to me the most. So things like that don’t bother me as much as it used to, I have allowed things to be ‘just the way they are’ because you know at the end, certain things are just better that way esp when it is SO out of your control. And now I truly have come to believe that what matters the most is how you react to things – you are the only thing that comes between allowing yourself to be miserable, hating everything around you to allowing it to be the way it is and accepting that ‘ things are not that bad’ .

Second, I think people and culture can go together in this category. There are a lot of things about Thai culture that I STILL don’t understand, that I still judge and disprove (and don’t get me started on American culture, or even Uyghur culture lol). But at the same time, just like any other Asian culture or just any culture in general, some things are deeply imbedded already- especially in rural Thailand. So what I say to that is… let it take time. It takes hundreds of years for the way people think to develop even a bit , I mean some people just don’t want to change the ways they think and act- why should I get so upset over it right?

Third, work and Peace Corps - what a topic! To be all honest, I never signed up to be in an Asian country not because of hierarchy, Asian culture...etc ( I mean none of that really affected me growing up since I was just a kid) but simply because I grew up in an Asian culture so of course I wanted to experience something else. Well now, after I’ve ACTUALLY lived here as an adult, let me tell you – unless you are the typical white, Caucasian in his 30’s above – it is a VERY difficult culture to work in and be given the respect that you deserve. Just simply put, I work under a supervisor (an elected leader/mayor of my village) that genuinely believes that the education level of a person proves nothing about how capable a person is. Ok I know that there is the thing about street smarts and that you do not need an education to do great things in life but having a certain level of education should mean something to an average person. So having a degree meant nothing to him since I was only 22 - maybe I should’ve just predicted my entire service from that point on lol. But you know, Peace Corps puts you in these not so detailed surveyed sites and tells you “ you can do whatever you want” …ok AWESOME! And I know for a fact that everyone’s work experience is different in the Peace Corps, but for what we do as community development volunteers, we become either a source of money, just a foreign face/trophy in the village or we actually work with people that need our resources. In my case, I cannot say how far the ‘community development’ part of my service extends to because 1. My supervisor never wanted a ‘community development’ volunteer- he wanted someone to speak English, teach English and dance /put on shows for kids- maybe that was a misunderstanding between peace corps and my site 2. Whomever I actually do end up working with, is usually someone that my supervisor genuinely does not allow me to work with. And yes, I have completed projects in my village but mostly in a secret, hiding away from my supervisor kind of way – then you start to think – Why am I hiding around to do projects/help people in his village , this is his village that I am living in not to destroy but to help as much as I can? So then the cycle continues… I have said ‘I don’t really care anymore’ but then again when projects do come up I don’t want to turn a blind eye –i.e. the Pond Water Treatment project that I am helping with sometime next month; which will probably happen without the supervisor’s approval , while my counterpart and I hide around to get more funding, holding meetings and trainings.

(P.S. funding is still needed so please help out Ban Yaang and donate to the Ban Yaang Pond Remediation Project )

So all in all here are three things you can take away from my experience so far 1) things are never that bad 2) some cultures are either too advanced or too backwards – whatever way it is – give it time or just let it be 3) there is no ideal peace corps experience , work comes and goes and you might not really ‘ develop’ much in two years but you just got to keep doing what you have to – allow the cycle to continue - some development will happen eventually.

AND when all else fails – enjoy the simple things in life! (When I am lonely at night, I stare into Spike’s eyes and he makes everything worthwhile ;)

An Honest Disclosure

Here is an interesting recap of this week (not that I am starting a new trend of weekly updates, I just think this week deserves a special page on my blog)

1. Went to a boy/girl scout camp where students were asked to do obstacle courses and walk 4 km in the 95 F heat with no continuous supply of drinking water –people definitely fainted.
2. “ mai ru wa kao ben gae toi ru farang” – direct translation – wasn’t sure whether you were a ladyboy or a farang …. UM what? I sure hope that was the last of that comment.
3. I had the father of a daycare kid show up at my bedroom window at 9:30 pm asking me for money! Don’t worry, I didn’t open my door nor my window, nor did I give him the money. Told him to come back tomorrow if he really needed the money and we can talk to my landlord together, and he goes “oh, well, ok, never mind, you don’t have to talk to your landlord” and left. I was actually pretty freaked out.
4. My supervisor completely disparaged/dissed/bashed on my counterpart behind his back in front of all the staff at the afternoon meeting; then, turns around and says “ Zerina probably didn’t understand any of this “ (correction Mr. supervisor, Oh I totally understood you and I totally saw everyone sit quietly making it OK for you to say all this sh8t) regardless, turns around and says to me “ Balat (counterpart) is a really bad officer” . Oh gosh, I just could not hold it together and I said it, while I could hear my own voice shake, “I don’t think it’s good to talk about people when they are not here”. He stared straight back at me and said “she likes the balat”. UGH!
5. Well I was picked up for another event (will mention in the next point), but after I returned one of the staff comes to me and says “ Nayoke (supervisor) thought you were writing shit about him in your notebook” WHILE it was the STAFF who was writing “ I love you Dta Wan” in my notebook during the meeting and the Nayoke, with his f8cking twisted- self asked the staff what I was writing in my notebook and whether it was about him– sorry, Mr. supervisor I haven’t scooped down to your level of lowness.
6. I was picked up to ‘teach ‘English to some staff members at the nearest Siam Cement Company. Ok, 1. I’ve said it more than once, I am not a teacher, just because I can speak English does not mean I can teach plus it is harder to teach adults without any formal teacher training 2. It does not give me any kind of comfort when the reply to point 1 is, “no you just have normal conversations, ask questions, correct them…etc”. 3. To have normal conversations people need to be able to spit out actual sentences that are not just “You today go where?” yeh... it’s not MY JOB to sit in front of people for 2 hours correcting every other sentences and have ‘conversational English’ lessons with people. Back to my point, regardless of all that, I decided to give it a shot and told them that I will go. I get there, and guess what, NO ONE ACTUALLY signed up for the English lessons! WHY THE Hell would you pick up someone to ‘teach’ English when you know that no one replied to your damn email offering ‘English lessons’! I sat there for an hour on my ipod waiting for people to tell me “oh I’m busy today; oh I cannot come today…” UGH can I please go home now!

So here is my honest disclosure, I know that for all the readers, most of the time, I come off very judgmental of Thai culture, way of thinking and sometimes its people. Someone has even said “she challenges Thai society’ well, I won’t stretch it that far but, I confess to every ‘judging’ I have done to Thailand in the past year (and the ones to come). Honestly, as for someone who has grown up in a very eclectic Asian , then American culture, both with its own bag full of problems, I might not be in any position to generalize based upon my own experience here in Thailand. But, I will say though, a blog is ‘ a very open diary’ , and the purpose of this blog is to let out my emotions about my experience.

Therefore, during situations such as those mentioned above, I smile it off (I have perfected the art of ‘fake smiling); actually, everybody around me smiles it off. Think about it, in the States”, you confuse any girl’s identity for a ‘ ladyboy’ SOMEBODY will get offended and you will know, you talk shit behind an employee in a staff meeting when that person is absent SOMEBODY will speak up on behalf, you waste an hour of someone’s time without ‘planning ahead’ they WILL GET UPSET (at least make sure you know that they are dissatisfied) ; but in the world I am living in right now, all I do is smile it off, and keep going- so I have this blog. As lovely as these people are, living their lives in this culture, developing through their own twisted methods, “solving” problems in their non-confrontation way, they are making it work for themselves- and besides my rambles, I am more than thankful to be part of this crazy, beautiful mess for the mere 27 months :)

I do hope though that you keep yourself an open mind while reading through my sporadic updates.