“The way time flies is crazy. I thought I knew about Life, Love and Death. When I was young, I thought Life lasted forever, Love would always be there, and Death would never come. As time passes, I realized Life could be cut short, Love’s true value is only realized when its already gone and Death is not something to be afraid of”
We were told as Peace Corps volunteers that, in the next two years our mental strength as an individual will get tested to the fullest degree. Well personally, that “test” came to me rather too soon. Forget the heat, the bike ride, the rice, the language, what I went through today makes all those issues seem like minor bumps along the road.
It was a Sunday like any other, I was about to leave my house to learn Thai at village 10; then out of nowhere my host sister from Chainat called and told me the family was on their way to visit me here in Saraburi. I was so excited but at the same time, of course they would call an hour before making a two hour trip to another province to let me know they were coming. I was already on my way to Class so I kept riding my bike and thought to myself “I don’t have much to cook at home, don’t have anything ‘cool’ planned to do with them, or am I even at home right now, Oh well, it’ll work out”. Couple minutes later, I got another phone call and it was my brother from the States. “ Did you hear the news?” he asked me. Being as oblivious as I was (while thinking What did the Red Shirts do now?) I said “ No.. what happened?” …….” Grandpa Passed away, he had a heart attack”.
My heart stopped. I felt like my soul just left my body, the next 3 minutes to my teacher’s house seemed forever while a strands of thoughts ran through my mind “ Wait, am I just going to go learn Thai now? Do I go home? Do I keep going? How’s Dad doing? Shit my host family is coming to visit today, I’m still excited to see them, do I tell them not to come? Can I just be sad? Or do I not show emotions and keep smiling? (but it’s just so hard to smile) Why hasn’t anybody except my 16 year old brother called me about this? Was grandpa alone when he had the heart attack?...Shit I’m at my teacher’s house…. Get yourself together Zerina” .
As much as I wanted to turn around, go home, turn off my phone, lock myself in my room all day… I learned Thai for an hour. My host family arrived around 10:30, and seeing my little brothers put a genuine smile on my face. And I cannot lie, as much as I did not know how to get myself together, seeing them filled that empty void. I shared with them the news that I got from my brother they asked me If I was going home for the funeral but that was all they said. It’s the Buddhist way, thais think of death as part of the circle of life; an event that is meant to happen therefore you accept it and you move on. Hence most times there is no emotion, there is no sadness, no remorse especially if it’s the death of an elderly who has “reached” the peak of his life. One of my staff even said to me “ Oh 70 plus years ago, it’s alright.. he was that age” How do I accept that you know? Do I say “ yes you are right… it was his time to pass; he was old” or do I get upset? You do not do anything, you do not say anything, you hide your tears, you hide your emotions and you keep moving. And that was all I did today, I kept moving as hard as that was, as much as I wanted to hug somebody and cry on their shoulder I had to keep moving.
After my family left, and I was doing some research about ‘ emergency leave’ then, I got a phone call telling me I was supposed to be at a meeting at village 12. Shit, she was right. I scheduled a meeting with one of the village heads for 4pm Sunday, and it was already 4:15. I dragged my self, packed my computer up and went on another 15 minute bike ride to this meeting where I talked about my potential Playground project; and other upcoming projects. It went really well; and the project happened to be something all 4 villages want and are interested in cooperating with me. Suddenly I realized, did I just allow my work to suppress all my other emotions? Then I felt like crap…
Growing up, my grandpa was the kind of grandpa that all the other kids envied/wanted to have. I did not have my Father around as a child, but I had my Grandpa. He was so well respected, so intelligent and cared about all of us so much. He would give me money to buy ice cream, would tell me bed time stories (and all of his stories had a hidden lesson), read me books and taught all of us how to be a humble person. You ask him anything about everything, he would have an answer and if not he would take you to the library so you can find the book to read about it. He had a library at home which I used to find so intriguing. I would secretly go in there and just sneak through all his ‘stuff’ – it had everything from yummy chocolates, pictures from 10/20 years ago, to books, dictionaries, and even books that was published by him. It has been a while since I have shared any of those moments with him. We all grew up, moved away, lived our lives.
Since I moved to the States about 10 years ago, my biggest fear has always been losing a loved one back home, and not knowing what to do or just the helplessness you feel when you are so far away. Well my grandmother passed away 5 years ago, I had my Father, my Mother and part of my family in the States to be in solidarity with but today… my teacher was waiting for me to learn Thai, village head was waiting for me to arrive at the meeting, my host family was expecting a greater sense of joy when they visited and to everyone else my grandpa just became someone who passed away because he has reached ‘that’ age and after all that…. I had to keep on moving. Thus now, I am scared to feel what I will feel when I stop.
R . I.P Grandpa.
Yatgan Yeri Jannat Bolsun
