@#$%^&:) <--- That's How I Feel

Two years ago, I remember crying outside my house in the 90F heat not knowing where to go, what to do, or who to turn to; feeling like there was never an end to this road I was too stubborn to give up. And today – Feb 26^th, 2012 (4 days before my Closer of Service date) – during a dinner with some teachers, one asked me “so what will you take back with you to tell your people in America, what did you learn?” … I said “Patience”. To be honest, I was not sure how they would react, I did not want them to feel offended that Thai culture was that exhausting (for a better word) to make me learn the lesson of ‘patience’ that I somehow perhaps skipped through in America. Surprisingly, they were very proud and happy. I told them straight up, “as an American sometimes it’s very difficult for us to keep our thoughts quiet when we are unhappy, frustrated or when we simply disagree, to not be able to speak up, to deal with things about 99.9% of the time with a smile and to have TONS of patience- ALL THE TIME. But by being here, you not only see the negative effects of not being able to express your mind but also , the negatives effect of what we were taught growing up which is to “always” speak your mind. I learned that with patience, you need to develop a balance.

Looking back at that ‘ never ending road’ and now being so close to seeing the end, I’m stuck in this bittersweet moment of “ now what?, how do I feel ?” . Honestly, I’m not quite sure. Am I proud that I didn’t give up – Hell Yes. Am I happy that I will be on a plane in a few days? – Yes. Am I happy to leave my site and not know when I will be back? - I don’t know. Just like any other dysfunctional families, I’ve been adopted into a village full of brothers who say inappropriate things to me sometimes, aunts that tell me when I am getting fat, uncles that only talk to me when they are drunk or ask me “if I’ve eaten yet and when am I eating” repeatedly EVERYDAY before dinner, and sisters that I enjoy nice, genuine conversations with once in a while so it’s hard to realize and accept that, after two years, you are leaving all that behind.

I won’t lie, it will definitely feel good to

1. Be around my family and friends in the States
2. Have a hot shower
3. Not be sweating 24/7 unless you are in the AC (at the office)
4. Have a variety of food choices for dinner
5. Not have to hear comments about my weight every other day (whether if I’m losing weight or if I’ve gotten fatter)
6. Actually have a hairstyle (lol)
7. Not worry about aunts (I don’t mind the geckos that much, I like them J
8. Not have to keep trash in my fridge - until I can throw it out the next day (because I worry about aunts)
9. Have a car
10. Not have to defend why I don’t look white, have blonde hair - don’t look like a true ‘ farang – foreigner’

I think, as I write this, what I really want to avoid is saying good-bye … especially saying good-bye to people that I’m not quite sure when I will see again (if I’ll ever see them again) and that is the ‘bittersweet’ part of this good-bye. Being on that final plane out of Thailand will feel great but everything up until that moment is what I want to avoid… because I am not sure if I am ready to handle all that yet.

I Survived Full Moon Party!!!!

January of 2010 when I first came to Thailand, not knowing what to expect, not knowing how to speak, not knowing where my journey was about to take me, 2012 seemed like decades away. And today, Jan 11^th 2012, I am here as a different person than I was in 2010. To explain how different I am, I would have to go into some cliché story about how Peace Corps made me a better person, instead I’m just going to ask you to take my words for it so I can tell you about a different experience- my experience at the most epic party in Thailand – the FULL MOON PARTY!

As you can imagine Full Moon parties take place each month during the full moon, so this month it was on January 8^th (Sunday). I decided that it was my duty as someone who has lived in Thailand for two plus years to attend a Full Moon party once before I leave the country. With that in mind, couple of my friends and I took the overnight train, bus, and boat to Koh Panghan ( Panghan Island) where the full moon party takes place. Well, let me tell you, the MOST FUN part of our experience was watching all the other foreigners (farangs as Thais call them) get belligerently drunk, twist their ankles (continue dancing with a twisted ankle), party in crutches, and become WAY TOO sexually active on the beach while 20,000 people pass by. At one point, we seriously were afraid for this guy’s life because we thought he was having a heart attack from drinking too much/being passed out for hours on the beach. The day of the actual full moon, we spent 1 + hours walking around, less than 1 hour dancing and 3-4 hours WATCHING others. I know, it doesn’t sound all that fun when you put it that way but it was - trust me! The entertainment these party-animals bring at full moon parties is better than anything you have seen on Jersey Shore. One of the nights when I was riding back on a tuk-tuk (google it) with other farangs, one of them slurring his words as he tried to have a conversation with me was actually a DOCTOR back in Ireland, and I said to him " well I hope your cancer patients never see you like this " ( he's lucky that what happens at full moon stays at full moon )

In the midst of watching this live entertainment, Emily (one of my PCV friends) says – “Sometimes, don’t you just look around and realize how lucky you are to be who you are, who you are not and who you are becoming???”

Here is what I think about that question – I never want to judge someone else for being who they are; and I won’t say I have never done that but I try my best everyday to accept/appreciate! Even the people at full moon who are having a BLAST doing what they are doing, dancing their butts off with a twisted ankle, and thinking they have fallen in love with the guy dancing behind them – hey more power to you! Everyone goes through times that they are not proud of and trust me, I have had more than a handful of those but at the end of the day, as Constantine from The Help says “ quit feeling sorry for yourself- now that is just Ugly”. So yes, I guess I will say that I am more than thankful everyday for who I am and where I am going with my life. And I especially, try to not regret the not so proud moments I have had in the past because at the end of the day, I am sure even the most non-proud moment once put a smile on my face and contributed to who I am today. Hence, I refused to feel sorry for myself/for my mistakes. So to all the future participants of Full Moon parties, LIVE IT UP, do what you gota do, enjoy every moment either watching others or just by being you! As long as you come home alive and in one piece, every experience (even something as ridiculous as a full moon party) will be part of who you are years down the road!