An Honest Disclosure

Here is an interesting recap of this week (not that I am starting a new trend of weekly updates, I just think this week deserves a special page on my blog)

1. Went to a boy/girl scout camp where students were asked to do obstacle courses and walk 4 km in the 95 F heat with no continuous supply of drinking water –people definitely fainted.
2. “ mai ru wa kao ben gae toi ru farang” – direct translation – wasn’t sure whether you were a ladyboy or a farang …. UM what? I sure hope that was the last of that comment.
3. I had the father of a daycare kid show up at my bedroom window at 9:30 pm asking me for money! Don’t worry, I didn’t open my door nor my window, nor did I give him the money. Told him to come back tomorrow if he really needed the money and we can talk to my landlord together, and he goes “oh, well, ok, never mind, you don’t have to talk to your landlord” and left. I was actually pretty freaked out.
4. My supervisor completely disparaged/dissed/bashed on my counterpart behind his back in front of all the staff at the afternoon meeting; then, turns around and says “ Zerina probably didn’t understand any of this “ (correction Mr. supervisor, Oh I totally understood you and I totally saw everyone sit quietly making it OK for you to say all this sh8t) regardless, turns around and says to me “ Balat (counterpart) is a really bad officer” . Oh gosh, I just could not hold it together and I said it, while I could hear my own voice shake, “I don’t think it’s good to talk about people when they are not here”. He stared straight back at me and said “she likes the balat”. UGH!
5. Well I was picked up for another event (will mention in the next point), but after I returned one of the staff comes to me and says “ Nayoke (supervisor) thought you were writing shit about him in your notebook” WHILE it was the STAFF who was writing “ I love you Dta Wan” in my notebook during the meeting and the Nayoke, with his f8cking twisted- self asked the staff what I was writing in my notebook and whether it was about him– sorry, Mr. supervisor I haven’t scooped down to your level of lowness.
6. I was picked up to ‘teach ‘English to some staff members at the nearest Siam Cement Company. Ok, 1. I’ve said it more than once, I am not a teacher, just because I can speak English does not mean I can teach plus it is harder to teach adults without any formal teacher training 2. It does not give me any kind of comfort when the reply to point 1 is, “no you just have normal conversations, ask questions, correct them…etc”. 3. To have normal conversations people need to be able to spit out actual sentences that are not just “You today go where?” yeh... it’s not MY JOB to sit in front of people for 2 hours correcting every other sentences and have ‘conversational English’ lessons with people. Back to my point, regardless of all that, I decided to give it a shot and told them that I will go. I get there, and guess what, NO ONE ACTUALLY signed up for the English lessons! WHY THE Hell would you pick up someone to ‘teach’ English when you know that no one replied to your damn email offering ‘English lessons’! I sat there for an hour on my ipod waiting for people to tell me “oh I’m busy today; oh I cannot come today…” UGH can I please go home now!

So here is my honest disclosure, I know that for all the readers, most of the time, I come off very judgmental of Thai culture, way of thinking and sometimes its people. Someone has even said “she challenges Thai society’ well, I won’t stretch it that far but, I confess to every ‘judging’ I have done to Thailand in the past year (and the ones to come). Honestly, as for someone who has grown up in a very eclectic Asian , then American culture, both with its own bag full of problems, I might not be in any position to generalize based upon my own experience here in Thailand. But, I will say though, a blog is ‘ a very open diary’ , and the purpose of this blog is to let out my emotions about my experience.

Therefore, during situations such as those mentioned above, I smile it off (I have perfected the art of ‘fake smiling); actually, everybody around me smiles it off. Think about it, in the States”, you confuse any girl’s identity for a ‘ ladyboy’ SOMEBODY will get offended and you will know, you talk shit behind an employee in a staff meeting when that person is absent SOMEBODY will speak up on behalf, you waste an hour of someone’s time without ‘planning ahead’ they WILL GET UPSET (at least make sure you know that they are dissatisfied) ; but in the world I am living in right now, all I do is smile it off, and keep going- so I have this blog. As lovely as these people are, living their lives in this culture, developing through their own twisted methods, “solving” problems in their non-confrontation way, they are making it work for themselves- and besides my rambles, I am more than thankful to be part of this crazy, beautiful mess for the mere 27 months :)

I do hope though that you keep yourself an open mind while reading through my sporadic updates.

Passion for Life!

“Travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living.” - Miriam Beard


Just last week I had the pleasure and the honor of attending my friend Abhay's wedding in India. It was everything and anything I have asked for and even more. The vastness of this country is beyond what one can take in during a mere 8 day visit but from what I have seen /experienced I left the country wanting more.

Every time I visit a country , everything about the place hits me more than just a simple ' visit' . I catch myself wanting to sit with the grandpa at the corner, to play with the kids running around barefoot, to take hours and hours watching ppl walk by from the corner restaurant. Sadly enough, 8 days did not give me the chance to do all that. A part of me feels uncomfortable taking pictures from the surface without knowing the stories of what I am taking pictures of. Of course , there are tour guides that tell you why this building was built, why ppl do certain things but somehow that does not seem enough for me. Ugh why does this world have to be SO BIG? hahaha ( i might be losin it a bit)

Anyhow, after I got back to site, I caught myself in even bigger funk than I expected. A huge part of me felt so empty. And the more I think about it, I think I can tell you exactly why that is- PASSION! Have you ever asked yourself " how many people around me/even myself are living with the genuine PASSION FOR LIFE (everything and anything that defines life) . Right now, I live in an environment where people do not really show exaggerated degrees of any kind of emotion - excitement, happiness, love, sadness. Everything is very ' on the surface' . Often, you do not see people cry when they say good bye (knowing they might not see each other for years), you do not see people get overly excited from news of a new born baby, you do not see people hug, hold hands to show a slight sign of 'care'. So after being in India, with people that do everything with such exaggeration I felt empty being at my site (and my puppy being sick did not help the situation either).

So here is to living life with the PASSION TO LIVE!

---- “If there is no passion in your life, then have you really lived? Find your passion, whatever it may be. Become it, and let it become you and you will find great things happen FOR you, TO you and BECAUSE of you." ------