First of all, I sure hope that I have grown as a person. I think I learned a lot the past 15 months- about myself, people, culture, and work. I have learned to calm down a lot and have really come to believe in the fact that things actually are not that bad. I think everyone to a degree exaggerates their current emotion/state of being whether it be heightened exuberance, depression, contentment … etc but at the end, all of that is only as heightened or as low as we allowed it to be. All of last year, I wanted to do so much, wanted to accomplish so much and literally put myself in tears because of frustrations. Then, I realized that with everything else that was around me, that I can actually enjoy and not take for granted, I allowed certain situations/people to make me feel miserable, unhappy and judgmental. But I think this year I am at a better place. Just yesterday, I went from wanting to punch my supervisor - I was seriously thinking to myself during that meeting “ugh I really just want to punch you right now” to in mere 5 minutes dozing off to ‘ la la land’. I mean, he was giving the work of me and 4 other volunteers zero credit because the camp wasn’t the way he imagined – so of course it was the fault of the volunteers. Anyhow, as a side note, the Youth Life Skills Camp went well because the volunteers and the Youth had a great, productive, fun time together and that is what matters to me the most. So things like that don’t bother me as much as it used to, I have allowed things to be ‘just the way they are’ because you know at the end, certain things are just better that way esp when it is SO out of your control. And now I truly have come to believe that what matters the most is how you react to things – you are the only thing that comes between allowing yourself to be miserable, hating everything around you to allowing it to be the way it is and accepting that ‘ things are not that bad’ .
Second, I think people and culture can go together in this category. There are a lot of things about Thai culture that I STILL don’t understand, that I still judge and disprove (and don’t get me started on American culture, or even Uyghur culture lol). But at the same time, just like any other Asian culture or just any culture in general, some things are deeply imbedded already- especially in rural Thailand. So what I say to that is… let it take time. It takes hundreds of years for the way people think to develop even a bit , I mean some people just don’t want to change the ways they think and act- why should I get so upset over it right?
Third, work and Peace Corps - what a topic! To be all honest, I never signed up to be in an Asian country not because of hierarchy, Asian culture...etc ( I mean none of that really affected me growing up since I was just a kid) but simply because I grew up in an Asian culture so of course I wanted to experience something else. Well now, after I’ve ACTUALLY lived here as an adult, let me tell you – unless you are the typical white, Caucasian in his 30’s above – it is a VERY difficult culture to work in and be given the respect that you deserve. Just simply put, I work under a supervisor (an elected leader/mayor of my village) that genuinely believes that the education level of a person proves nothing about how capable a person is. Ok I know that there is the thing about street smarts and that you do not need an education to do great things in life but having a certain level of education should mean something to an average person. So having a degree meant nothing to him since I was only 22 - maybe I should’ve just predicted my entire service from that point on lol. But you know, Peace Corps puts you in these not so detailed surveyed sites and tells you “ you can do whatever you want” …ok AWESOME! And I know for a fact that everyone’s work experience is different in the Peace Corps, but for what we do as community development volunteers, we become either a source of money, just a foreign face/trophy in the village or we actually work with people that need our resources. In my case, I cannot say how far the ‘community development’ part of my service extends to because 1. My supervisor never wanted a ‘community development’ volunteer- he wanted someone to speak English, teach English and dance /put on shows for kids- maybe that was a misunderstanding between peace corps and my site 2. Whomever I actually do end up working with, is usually someone that my supervisor genuinely does not allow me to work with. And yes, I have completed projects in my village but mostly in a secret, hiding away from my supervisor kind of way – then you start to think – Why am I hiding around to do projects/help people in his village , this is his village that I am living in not to destroy but to help as much as I can? So then the cycle continues… I have said ‘I don’t really care anymore’ but then again when projects do come up I don’t want to turn a blind eye –i.e. the Pond Water Treatment project that I am helping with sometime next month; which will probably happen without the supervisor’s approval , while my counterpart and I hide around to get more funding, holding meetings and trainings.
(P.S. funding is still needed so please help out Ban Yaang and donate to the Ban Yaang Pond Remediation Project )
So all in all here are three things you can take away from my experience so far 1) things are never that bad 2) some cultures are either too advanced or too backwards – whatever way it is – give it time or just let it be 3) there is no ideal peace corps experience , work comes and goes and you might not really ‘ develop’ much in two years but you just got to keep doing what you have to – allow the cycle to continue - some development will happen eventually.
AND when all else fails – enjoy the simple things in life! (When I am lonely at night, I stare into Spike’s eyes and he makes everything worthwhile ;)
When are you going to post the answers to these questions?
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