Two years ago, I remember crying outside my house in the 90F heat not knowing where to go, what to do, or who to turn to; feeling like there was never an end to this road I was too stubborn to give up. And today – Feb 26th, 2012 (4 days before my Closer of Service date) – during a dinner with some teachers, one asked me “so what will you take back with you to tell your people in America, what did you learn?” … I said “Patience”. To be honest, I was not sure how they would react, I did not want them to feel offended that Thai culture was that exhausting (for a better word) to make me learn the lesson of ‘patience’ that I somehow perhaps skipped through in America. Surprisingly, they were very proud and happy. I told them straight up, “as an American sometimes it’s very difficult for us to keep our thoughts quiet when we are unhappy, frustrated or when we simply disagree, to not be able to speak up, to deal with things about 99.9% of the time with a smile and to have TONS of patience- ALL THE TIME. But by being here, you not only see the negative effects of not being able to express your mind but also , the negatives effect of what we were taught growing up which is to “always” speak your mind. I learned that with patience, you need to develop a balance.
Looking back at that ‘ never ending road’ and now being so close to seeing the end, I’m stuck in this bittersweet moment of “ now what?, how do I feel ?” . Honestly, I’m not quite sure. Am I proud that I didn’t give up – Hell Yes. Am I happy that I will be on a plane in a few days? – Yes. Am I happy to leave my site and not know when I will be back? - I don’t know. Just like any other dysfunctional families, I’ve been adopted into a village full of brothers who say inappropriate things to me sometimes, aunts that tell me when I am getting fat, uncles that only talk to me when they are drunk or ask me “if I’ve eaten yet and when am I eating” repeatedly EVERYDAY before dinner, and sisters that I enjoy nice, genuine conversations with once in a while so it’s hard to realize and accept that, after two years, you are leaving all that behind.
I won’t lie, it will definitely feel good to
- Be around my family and friends in the States
- Have a hot shower
- Not be sweating 24/7 unless you are in the AC (at the office)
- Have a variety of food choices for dinner
- Not have to hear comments about my weight every other day (whether if I’m losing weight or if I’ve gotten fatter)
- Actually have a hairstyle (lol)
- Not worry about aunts (I don’t mind the geckos that much, I like them J
- Not have to keep trash in my fridge - until I can throw it out the next day (because I worry about aunts)
- Have a car
- Not have to defend why I don’t look white, have blonde hair - don’t look like a true ‘ farang – foreigner’
I think, as I write this, what I really want to avoid is saying good-bye … especially saying good-bye to people that I’m not quite sure when I will see again (if I’ll ever see them again) and that is the ‘bittersweet’ part of this good-bye. Being on that final plane out of Thailand will feel great but everything up until that moment is what I want to avoid… because I am not sure if I am ready to handle all that yet.
Patience...amen sister! So much of what you are talking about is relatively universal to the PC experience, no matter where you serve.
ReplyDeleteThe goodbyes are hard. Really hard. But it's time and you know it. The pain passes and you move on. Move on, but don't forget.
Good luck, cherish your last few days in country, and remember that you are never alone. For the rest of your life you will have an RPCV community that gets you and supports you, no matter what :-)