A Lavish Affair

Last Saturday my Nayoke's (Supervisor) mother passed away. The first question I asked was " Did the Nayoke cry? was he sad? " and the person replied " No, she was old". On Monday , everyone from my office dressed in all black and went to the third day of the funeral - in Thai society a funeral usually goes on for Five days and on the 5th day the person is cremated. I have been to couple other funerals throughout my stay here in Thailand and every time, I cannot help but be in 'awe' of what is going on around me.

First, we get there around 8 pm and the place is so lavishly decorated. It seems like it's more about how beautiful, extravagant everything looks in a case to show off the wealth and status of the person organizing the funeral - not the person who passed away. People come in and out, show their respect for the person who passed and sit in chairs until the actually ceremony starts which consists of monks chanting/praying for a period of 40 minutes or so. Second, there is also a row of nicely decorated chairs for the Supervisor's guest of honor no not close relatives but people who make the Nayoke's status look even more ' cool '. Third, the whole event goes on without a single drop of tear and once everything is finished people go their own way by that I mean, some women are preparing/ cooking for tomorrow's funeral event, and the men are drinking, playing cards/gambling.

Here is my opinion, in a society that talks about the importance of family relations and respect for the elderly I am sitting at a funeral of my Supervisor's Mom who apparently lived alone most of her last couple years without any visits from her son - my supervisor. And the funeral is more of a lavish , show off your wealth, your status event than an actual ' pay respect for her life ' ceremony while the Nayoke sits with the 'cool' people , drinks, and gambles once the funeral is over. I feel like everyone who actually worked on making the funeral 'beautiful' will be happy once today is over (the day of her cremation) because of how tired they were; thus, completely seeing passed the fact that a life, once cherished and loved has passed.

I know there might be some generalization in my writing /observation. Also, it is the culture, the religion of Buddhism, the belief in reincarnation BUT still, once a life leaves us no matter how old, how unimportant, how sick that person was, someone should feel sad, someone should be hurt. A funeral should be more than, the black attire, the lavish decorations , the guests who show up... It's about honoring a person's life, accepting the reality of 'death' but also feeling the hurt of losing a person, and sharing every moment of this with your family.

Trust me, I would know....

Now What?

Everytime I remind myself to post a blog , I stop and think " wait, what do I write about?" I feel like I'm in Thailand and I should have everything and anything to write about but, sometimes that's just not the case. I feel the pressure (mainly from myself) to blog about something that all of you want to read about , not my pity complaints or mundane everyday life that's perhaps why I have not blogged in a while because in all honesty, I really do not have anything extraordinary happening around here.

After the Playground was finished, it got hit by the flood. It was sort of a big blow in the head but again, I feel like I have no rights to complain about a damn playground when peoples' houses got flooded for two weeks ; ie. they were living at the local temple or on the second floors of their houses. Again, we gota keep on moving. We helped for an entire week to cook food for about 1,200 people that- was fun, the children were playing (swimming) in the water and all the families got some fun out of riding boats to get from one place to another.





And in terms of work, I decided I deserved a break after that one, exhausting project (can you imagine we started the playground back in July !); a part of me almost said " Oh Zerina, You are DONE" but wait, 15 more months! My breaks somehow has been coinciding pretty well with my visits from the States as well. Right after the Playground/ during the flood, my Mom came to visit and then, just a week ago, I went on a two week trip with my friend Julia. I am so lucky to have been able to go to some amazing places during visit from family/friends. When Julia was here, we went to the North for the first time. It was so beautiful up there; I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace, happiness and calmness from being there - I am just going to assume it was because of the more than plentiful availability of Italian food (can Mozzarella Cheese boost your endorphins? ) Anyhow, it was beautiful! We went to Tiger Kingdom, visited couple museums, and Hill tribes. I personally enjoyed seeing tigers, penguins, koala bears and pandas all in one trip.. Very worth while (visit fb for pics)

I am back in my village now with my SO adorable puppy Spike. Last week out of pure " oh this looks cool " I bought a toaster oven. So maybe, I'll keep myself occupied by cooking for myself, and I also made rice for the first time in the rice cooker well, I was told that it wasn't quite ready /needed more water but there is always next time. I am learning to accept everything around me; sometimes, that acceptance gets a little harder. I remind myself that I should not think too much about " Why I am here, What I am doing?" and just enjoy it like I am supposed to... I am trying.

Till next time, Spike and I wish you a very safe, happy and fun holiday season!



<3 always - Zari

Community Playground : COMPLETE!

Happy Days!!!

I always find myself apologizing before I post a new page; well perhaps I should be better at frequently updating my blog although I am afraid that after so many updates every week, you all will be sick of my writing/my life here in Thailand. Whatever it is; my sincere appreciation goes to those dire fans that have not stopped supporting me and updating themselves with my life. THANK YOU!

The past couple months have been pretty busy; in a good way this time. First of all, couple of my friends and I facilitated a three day English Camp at a nearby school. It was perhaps the most exhausting couple of days but at the same time, it was SO much fun and I enjoyed every moment of it. Being around kids has that special power of lightening my day like no other. The students were so excited to see us; it came to a point where we were signing autographs! IT WAS WILD! During every break we had kids running to us to have us sign their notebooks, name tags, piece of paper…etc it came to a point where all we wanted to do was hide and not come out. It was exhausting! But fun yeah? That would NEVER happen in the U.S. unless we all suddenly became famous stars! I think the only low point that I hit was when a teacher came to me and said “Oh the students thought you were your friends’ translator…” Oh Thailand!

After that I traveled with my friend Katie, who came to visit from China. I only see her once every year so we always have a good time. Although this time, she had to deal with my frustrated/moody self for couple of days; it was mostly because I was exhausted from the English Camp and the training that I had the week before so all I wanted to do was stay at home and sleep; regardless, it was a good idea to go to the beach. Although it was a short trip, it was worth the massage and the relaxing on the beach. I came back on Monday and decided I was going to have a not too tiring week.

As a very important update, the playground is coming along REALLY well. The money that I was promised by my boss is zero BUT, the village members are doing without it just fine. Although I still cannot believe how a supervisor can sign a proposal and then say “oh I understood you wrong I cannot support you” … Thailand. Anyhow, we started with buying raw metal and honestly, I did not think people can weld, mold and do whatever you are supposed to do with raw materials and put them into a legitimate playground, well I was completely wrong. The playground is up and almost in the works of being finished. It might not look like what playgrounds are in the States, but I think it is a beautiful structure and the village leaders worked so hard on it to make it to this point. I need to remember how to say “I am proud of you all “in Thai so I can say that next time I see them :) and I promise pictures will be updated soon!

Oh and my mom is coming in October (16th to be exact), I CANNOT WAIT!
WOW cannot believe it has been 10 months!!!!

Love and Missing you all very much ,
- Zari

Can I be Honest with You?

What I REALLY love about this country/my site:

- The hospitality

- The people in my community

- The children

- The fruit

- The History/the temples

Things that I don’t understand/frustrates me (both important and perhaps not-so-important points)

- The hierarchy in the office/age/women-men

- How you can be the mayor of a town without an undergraduate degree; what happened to education???

- Lack of communication between everybody!

- Lack of expression of real emotions: people don’t talk about things, feelings, show that they are upset or sad

- And with that lack of real emotions; there is a lack of consideration for how people might feel/think. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard a kid being called “ fat, ugly…” Even with me, people ask how much I weight, how ugly/pretty I look on different days of the week…etc And they will schedule meetings, ask you to teach on weekends, without thinking about you and your day off. You can be telling people that you are actually really tired and they will say “ OK I’ll pick you up at 2, so you can teach”

- How many times I have been told “ Oh she doesn’t look American” I swear I think 80% of the time, people that I newly meet think that I am straight out lying to them.

- How drinking is acceptable during any hours of the day

- You cannot break the face of anyone who is higher than you no matter what they say or do; they can be bullshitting to the max; and everybody has to sit there and agree with it

- How hot it can get; I understand that I’m in Southeast Asia but it is frustrating when you are the only person sweating like a pig. Plus my mayor does not allow the staff to turn on the A.C until it is 10 am while his room is as cold as a fridge.

- How 90% of food has to be extremely fried, over salted or over sugared; I liked Thai food A LOT more when I could have it once in a while in the States; right now, I can SO do without it

- Lack of accountability

- How the head of the office (mayor and deputy executive) can go on trips (as Thai’s call it Du Ngan – see work) with the Office budget then tell everyone else “we have no money”….

- Any project can be EXTREMELY inefficient as long as it looks good on paper and it is nicely decorated

- Half of the time, I have no idea what the students are learning here; maybe it is the lack of staff and the fact that it is a poor school but; come one, these students have to learn! You cannot just accept that 80% of the kids are not going to continue pass 6^th grade so why not just screw them?!?!?

- When I go workout, I LOVE it that the staff thinks it is perfectly OK to have unplugged elliptical and bikes. .. The plug is seriously nowhere to be found and I have come to realize that, that’s how people work out – without plugging it in.

So other than points of 'frustration" I REALLY love this country :)

Rollercoaster of Emotions

The past couple days has been pretty difficult; primarily because all of a sudden I had days lined up full of activities, work visits, and 'roller coaster of emotions'. On 08/30/2010 I took a trip with the Public Health Officer and the health volunteers to a Drug Rehabilitation Center and Center for patients of HIV/AIDS.

The primarily treatment at the drug rehab center is through a " daily vomit routine" ... I know sounds pretty disgusting and TRUST ME, it was not a pretty imagine to watch either. We had a tour by one of the Monks that manage the center and the tour included a demonstration of how the patients detoxed. The center makes a kind of medicine that is supposed to detox your body (which I had the pleasure to taste just a little). It tasted REALLY bitter and apparently it helps you vomit... not that I was about to try that. Any how, I was not expecting this at all BUT, the patients were lined up in a row sitting knee down. I thought " oh nice, they probably meditate together as part of their routine " OH no, the next thing I knew they were drinking the bitter liquid, and sticking their fingers in their mouth to throw up everything and anything they could. and we were JUST STANDING THERE WATCHING THIS HAPPEN. Honestly, I did not know how to feel a. part of me was like , " wait is it a good lesson like YEH THIS IS WHAT YOU GET IF YOU DO DRUGS " or " I don't think it should be appropriate to watch people throw their face out? " ... who knows anyways, it was out of my control ....I also met a guy from Ireland who was detoxing from Heroine and I got to the translator between him and my staff.

Second place we visited was the center for people living with HIV/AIDS; where we visited a room full of corpses, took a tour of the community and watched a traditional Thai dance by girls living with HIV/AIDS... one of whom was 20 years old. While walking around, one of the staff asked me " Are you scared?" I answered exactly how I felt " Scared of what? we all are dying someday ". I enjoyed watching the girls' dance a lot. Two of the girls were females and the other two were "ladyboys" who got the disease from their partners. I could not stop but to admire them for their strengths and courage to be able to wake up with a smile everyday, get on a stage, and tell whoever comes their story. Inside, they are probably crying, hurting and regretting; especially to know that one day they might go to sleep and be too weak to wake up the next morning....

After all that, we visited the nearby dam , took a beautiful ride to a big Buddha and went home. Here is the part that pissed me off the most, the bus ride home included loud a*ss Karaoke, and half of my staff either singing or drinking alcohol. I know Thai culture has become to a point where they are sort of " confused" ; not knowing how to mesh Thai traditional culture with modern Thai culture. And that 's where things get a little messy. Everyday, anytime time can be a party with alcohol. BUT you would think at least for today, they would think about everything that they saw and put aside the alcohol AT LEAST FOR ONE DAY!!! it pissed me off so much and I lost so much respect for people that I see as my supervisor!

Jai Yen Yen

Perhaps at this time, in our hearts, we do have an inkling that we are only just beginning. But we don’t want to admit it. We can’t. To admit that would be to admit that you don’t know what you are doing, which would be to admit that you have a long way to go which would make the journey appear so daunting as to stymie even starting out. Better to believe you know what you’re doing and keep doing it until you do – Mark Jerkins

First of all, I apologize for not updating all of you since I’ve been back from Urumqi. The funeral was …well a funeral. But honestly, it was so worth going for those two weeks. After spending the time that I need with family, I came back refreshed and reenergized for life back at site and of course, “Reconnect”. Reconnect is the second part of our training (also known as Pre-serving Training II) where we spent 2 weeks in Suphanburi with all of the volunteers - including all the usual events of Peace Corps Thailand 122 (sessions, flip charts, parties).
Now I am working on the World Map Project at the day-care center and in the works of helping my community members build a Playground; which is already taking me out of my “jai yen “(relax) zone.

1. It frustrates me when people think I am pulling these projects out of my butt and that it does not at ALL relate to the community

2. Then after 6 months of being here, a staff asks me today “do you have to do your world map project? The playground? Is it assigned by Peace Corps that you have to do these? Or can you do things that maybe the community has more interest in?” Well, A. none of these projects would have been touched on if people did not think they were good idea? B. when you say ‘ not interested’ do you mean “ a project that does not include doing ANY work?” maybe I can just get the funds , give you the money and all the materials … do it all on my own THEN the community will have an interest! HONESTLY, I am the last person to have no cultural sensitivity BUT after talking to the agriculture officer he goes “I think it is more or so because they (the village leaders) are just lazy to do/plan it with the community, it’s easier to just buy it but the community CAN do it; they just know it takes a lot of work.” SERIOUSLY!

Maybe I should just shut the heck up, stop trying and just teach everyday! At least I can speak English and I will be useful in some way. Who cares about the farang (foreigner) that thinks building a playground with recycled materials, cooperation of the community is a better idea than “here is the money, go buy the playground”

Just a Thought

Yatgan yeri Jannatta Bolsun

“The way time flies is crazy. I thought I knew about Life, Love and Death. When I was young, I thought Life lasted forever, Love would always be there, and Death would never come. As time passes, I realized Life could be cut short, Love’s true value is only realized when its already gone and Death is not something to be afraid of”

We were told as Peace Corps volunteers that, in the next two years our mental strength as an individual will get tested to the fullest degree. Well personally, that “test” came to me rather too soon. Forget the heat, the bike ride, the rice, the language, what I went through today makes all those issues seem like minor bumps along the road.

It was a Sunday like any other, I was about to leave my house to learn Thai at village 10; then out of nowhere my host sister from Chainat called and told me the family was on their way to visit me here in Saraburi. I was so excited but at the same time, of course they would call an hour before making a two hour trip to another province to let me know they were coming. I was already on my way to Class so I kept riding my bike and thought to myself “I don’t have much to cook at home, don’t have anything ‘cool’ planned to do with them, or am I even at home right now, Oh well, it’ll work out”. Couple minutes later, I got another phone call and it was my brother from the States. “ Did you hear the news?” he asked me. Being as oblivious as I was (while thinking What did the Red Shirts do now?) I said “ No.. what happened?” …….” Grandpa Passed away, he had a heart attack”.

My heart stopped. I felt like my soul just left my body, the next 3 minutes to my teacher’s house seemed forever while a strands of thoughts ran through my mind “ Wait, am I just going to go learn Thai now? Do I go home? Do I keep going? How’s Dad doing? Shit my host family is coming to visit today, I’m still excited to see them, do I tell them not to come? Can I just be sad? Or do I not show emotions and keep smiling? (but it’s just so hard to smile) Why hasn’t anybody except my 16 year old brother called me about this? Was grandpa alone when he had the heart attack?...Shit I’m at my teacher’s house…. Get yourself together Zerina” .

As much as I wanted to turn around, go home, turn off my phone, lock myself in my room all day… I learned Thai for an hour. My host family arrived around 10:30, and seeing my little brothers put a genuine smile on my face. And I cannot lie, as much as I did not know how to get myself together, seeing them filled that empty void. I shared with them the news that I got from my brother they asked me If I was going home for the funeral but that was all they said. It’s the Buddhist way, thais think of death as part of the circle of life; an event that is meant to happen therefore you accept it and you move on. Hence most times there is no emotion, there is no sadness, no remorse especially if it’s the death of an elderly who has “reached” the peak of his life. One of my staff even said to me “ Oh 70 plus years ago, it’s alright.. he was that age” How do I accept that you know? Do I say “ yes you are right… it was his time to pass; he was old” or do I get upset? You do not do anything, you do not say anything, you hide your tears, you hide your emotions and you keep moving. And that was all I did today, I kept moving as hard as that was, as much as I wanted to hug somebody and cry on their shoulder I had to keep moving.

After my family left, and I was doing some research about ‘ emergency leave’ then, I got a phone call telling me I was supposed to be at a meeting at village 12. Shit, she was right. I scheduled a meeting with one of the village heads for 4pm Sunday, and it was already 4:15. I dragged my self, packed my computer up and went on another 15 minute bike ride to this meeting where I talked about my potential Playground project; and other upcoming projects. It went really well; and the project happened to be something all 4 villages want and are interested in cooperating with me. Suddenly I realized, did I just allow my work to suppress all my other emotions? Then I felt like crap…

Growing up, my grandpa was the kind of grandpa that all the other kids envied/wanted to have. I did not have my Father around as a child, but I had my Grandpa. He was so well respected, so intelligent and cared about all of us so much. He would give me money to buy ice cream, would tell me bed time stories (and all of his stories had a hidden lesson), read me books and taught all of us how to be a humble person. You ask him anything about everything, he would have an answer and if not he would take you to the library so you can find the book to read about it. He had a library at home which I used to find so intriguing. I would secretly go in there and just sneak through all his ‘stuff’ – it had everything from yummy chocolates, pictures from 10/20 years ago, to books, dictionaries, and even books that was published by him. It has been a while since I have shared any of those moments with him. We all grew up, moved away, lived our lives.

Since I moved to the States about 10 years ago, my biggest fear has always been losing a loved one back home, and not knowing what to do or just the helplessness you feel when you are so far away. Well my grandmother passed away 5 years ago, I had my Father, my Mother and part of my family in the States to be in solidarity with but today… my teacher was waiting for me to learn Thai, village head was waiting for me to arrive at the meeting, my host family was expecting a greater sense of joy when they visited and to everyone else my grandpa just became someone who passed away because he has reached ‘that’ age and after all that…. I had to keep on moving. Thus now, I am scared to feel what I will feel when I stop.

R . I.P Grandpa.

Yatgan Yeri Jannat Bolsun