When one door closes, another opens!

“Do dry those tears, soak up all the new faces and places that we are ever so fortunate to embrace”

The word “exhausting” has probably been overused in my blog-posts but I would like to emphasize the level of “exhaustion” I felt today. Not only did I go to bed at 3am, and get up at 7 to start another four hour session with my counterparts, I had to deal with the mental exhaustion of saying good-byes to my family here in Chainat, my friends, my Ajaans and the city Chainat itself. Honestly, since 12 o'clock today, my eyes have just been prom-ka (ready) to shed tears like it has been storing all this liquid the past 10 weeks. I know it is a combination of frustration from the past, yearning to the present and anxiety of the future that contributed to my weak mental stage.

About 18 months ago, I applied for the Peace Corps to live the Peace Corps life in some remote villages of some developing country; and this is where I am right now. 18 months later, I am actually living that “application”, everything that I wanted, asked for during my interview is coming true, unfolding right in front of my eyes. But the fact that I got attached to my family, my Ajaans, and a handful of my friends completely pushed me back couple steps. Life was getting comfortable in Chainat, I was finally feeling like I was part of my family, all of us volunteers had our routine hang out spot, routine schedule, routine life in Chainat with everyone else around us. To a point where, we forgot that we are not living our 'service' yet. Therefore with all that combined (and a teaspoon of some drama), the actual reality of things hit me a little harder than I thought.

All these mix of emotions got me thinking a lot; especially, in terms of to never underestimate the power of genuine relationships. And to never take people around you for granted. The past two months in Chainat has been a crazy but emotional ride. Everyday coming home to a family that decided to take me in for reasons that I do not even know; and two months later, crying my eyes out to the thought of saying good-bye. Funny thing, the day they were supposed to take me back to the Hotel for our Counterpart Conference, my sister kept saying “I’m not driving you there, I won’t do it, if you want to leave I’m going to put you in a tuk-tuk (thai taxis)”. As we were told, Thai people will not show emotions, will not express how they really feel and true, the past couple months I’ve been to funerals where people were just drinking, laughing and talking. But the days they had to drop me off at the Hotel (3 different times), they cried, they hugged and I felt EMOTIONS. It was as though I was saying good-bye to my grandparents, my uncles back home. I hugged and did not want to let go. Even after, they called everyday to make sure I was eating, to make sure I was sleeping, to make sure I was safe J. I have become their fourth child; knowing how much we have come to love and really care for each other was satisfying enough for me. Therefore, to come back to my point, appreciate the people around you everyday, they might not show it regularly but when you least expect it, even the most ‘emotionless” of people will show how much you have touched their heart.

I arrived in Saraburi after 2 hours of falling asleep in the car. I’m not really sure what the Nayoke and Balat think of me. They just saw me cry with my families and friends, and then I pass out in the car. The nayoke is an older guy who speaks English fairly well; he was a teacher for 30 years but wanted to get in politics, make some changes in his town, therefore he ran for the Nayoke position. And the Balat, he is a handsome 40 something year old man. Very soft-spoken but (i think), the kind of person that opens up once he is comfortable with you. They are both very open to new ideas and I do trust that we will have a great working relationship. When I arrived in the office at 4pm, all drained and exhausted, the Balat asks me " so whats the plan for the next two years", I looked at him and said jokingly " Um... can we talk about this tomorrow? my brain is not working right now" hahah. I will be living with the assistant to the Mayor for the first month; she is an amazing, kind lady; and I know I am more than welcomed at her place. At the same time, I cannot wait to get my own place after this first month. Although I'm still living in a suitcase for another month, at least I know that I won't really be 'moving' anywhere; just couple kilometers down the street. Although I've heard that the first three months are the toughest, I guess I won't know till I experience it for myself. For now all I can say is that, hopefully each day gets better :)

Again, thank you all for the support!

"The struggle goes on ...eh?"

Today, I took my oath to serve as a Peace Corps volunteer for the United States of America. That was a pretty amazing feeling; the feeling of " Ok, I just got done 10 weeks of training, I feel exhausted, anxious, nervous, sad, upset, ready, not ready AND on top of it all, I got to put all those emotions aside and do an afternoon of workshops with my Thai counterparts who are my sub-district mayor and the deputy mayor. Therefore as always in Peace Corps, there is no time to gather your thoughts or to make sure you got your mind together, or to make sure you are mentally prepared! at the end you, You just do it!

Right now, I'm laying in the air-conditioned room around 12:37 pm talking to two of my friends from the States and thinking about how much my life is about to change in 2 days. I thought my life has changed already when I moved to Thailand, but the REAL peace corps experience has yet to come; since you all know, sitting in a hotel room with internet and air conditioning is far from what you call " the Peace Corps". But in two days, I move to my site, no foreigners, no Ajans, no core staff.... just me and my village :) that should be exciting right?

Don't get me wrong, I am completely excited and partially ready to head off. But because of different circumstances, the mix of 'every emotion' I'm feeling right is not how I wanted to head off to site. on the 31st, all 60 of us will be heading to 60 different directions around the Country. And out of all those 60 volunteers, I probably can count a hand full of volunteers whom I genuinely trust. I guess it's part of the "Peace Corps experience" , because in reality how do you expect to form 'strong bonds' with people when you only see them on /off for 10 weeks while dealing with host families, language learning, tech classes ...and on top of that, you trying to form a friendship that can last till the next two years (and beyond)??? how do you really know?

Maybe sometimes the way you do know is , you get yourself in a situation where someone that you trust lets you down; then the first person that comes up to you and says " you want some of that chocolate i've been hiding?" is the person that will get you through those tough times. It's all part of life these things we call struggles, disappointments, anxieties; but at the end, what does not kill you, only makes you stronger. And those people that are willing to hold your hand through the struggles and watch you get stronger are those that are worth your time and effort....and the rest, it's not worth reacting to their cruelty.

If every day is a lesson learned, I better be a genius by the time this service is over :)
- Zari

“ I don't get scared, I just do it”

If I did not learn anything else the past 10 weeks from my Ajaan (Teacher/Ms. Suthinee) I sure have taken away the lesson that - you cannot be scared, you really just have to go for it. I do not remember what we were talking about one day, but Ajaan looks at us and says “ If you get scared you will never do it; I do not get scared, I just go for it”. And again today, perhaps during our LAST lunch together with our Ajaan and her four students (Me, Joel, Kat and TD) Ajaan reminds me of the same lesson :) Remind you, we were only talking about my inability to swim (or float) and how I always had this anxiety or panic whenever I try to learn; Ajaan sharply turns to me and says “ just do it Zerina, do not be scared”.

With training almost coming to an end, and with the thought of the change we are going to face in less than a week, words such as “anxiety, fear, panic” have been, if not part of our daily vocabulary but at least in the minds of every volunteer. I still feel like all this is 'surreal'. Although I am physically writing this blog all the way from Thailand, sharing my experience and telling all of you how anxious I am feeling, a huge part of me still have not caught up with 'reality'. I need someone to shake me really hard and tell me “ Yeah it is going to get hot, hotter and hottest, so suck it up and LIVE with it, you are living here for two years!”

Well to catch up with that REALITY, the past 10 weeks has been “interesting” to say the least. There were moments where I laughed till I had tears in my eyes, moments that took my breathe away (i.e. seeing the sunset near the Chapraya River), moments where I questioned my ability/ my role as a volunteer here, moments where I wish I could show my annoyance, frustration and even moments where I wish I could just let go, cry it out or ask for a simple hug. Though when I think about it, as I am typing this out, all those “moments” are all parts of what makes LIFE worthwhile :)

It has been a tough couple days for me, but I got to remember that " each day gets better" and that does seem like the case. As I was using my Sister's computer at home she and I started having some random conversations; then she asked me " Why did you come to Thailand?" I said to her just simply " because I like to help people"... then, I got interested in what my host families thought of me being here as a Volunteer. My sister went into google dictionary and typed in a thai word that translated to " SACRIFICE". She told me in mostly Thai but partial English " knowing that you are my age, they do not understand why you would leave your work, beautiful, life in the States to come to Hot, Tiring Thailand". Simply hearing that from my sister, made everything,everyday worthwhile.. It's so true, you never know with every step you take, whom you have effected, whom have questioned your purpose and whom really appreciate your genuinity :)





Keep your head up!

Pictures from Saraburi

1. My potential home for the next two years

cute baby and I

During a meeting in Saraburi, just taking random pics

And then I had to introduce myself ... Look at that, I'm so awkard lol

Then I made desserts :)

My SAO (sub-district office) - work site for the next two years

Day care kids who will soon be moving to the new Day care center outside the SAO! my potential BEST FRIENDS :) hehehe

And I had to introduce myself again during a dinner with all the village heads, the mayor..etc

The actual dinner!

~~~~ I know you are planning that vacation after seeing all these pictures! :) misssssss u all so much! ~~~`

I had an EPIPHANY!

Today, for our last assignment from our CBOD core staff we were told to do “Life Skills” activity with a chosen group. I think all of us are getting pretty tired of these temporary projects here in our villages, when we all know that all of us are leaving Chainat in less than a month now. Therefore these activities are getting a bit annoying but today as much as we had no preparation, no mind-set to really wanting to do this activity we went over to the School because we all decided to do our activity with the nearby elementary school students. We did an activity relating to cooperation and the students actually understood the purpose of this activity which made all of us feel really accomplished. With our little Thai, and our struggles to explain the “ human knot” game in Thai, the students were able to learn that “ it is important to help each other” :) that made me smile :)
On to the next awesome part of my day (all my Muslim friends will be VERY proud of me for this), we went to the nearby Mosque and had lunch with its members :) After some delicious rice with chicken and perhaps our most favorite- peanut sauce salad- we all sat around the table and talked for the pure reason of just talking. For once, there was no agenda, no questions, to “intentional relationship building”, we just talked about anything and everything with our favorite Thai/Pakistani Muslim Ghengiz Khan. He always is just so content, so welcoming and just so happy to be around us; while we feel ten times more grateful to be around him. He is genuinely interested in our purpose for being here and during a conversation about that he asked “ so what will you guys do after being in Thailand for two years?” Joel and I both explained that most of us will finish school or will start our Masters' studies. He had a surprised look on his face, he repeatedly asked our age and was very surprised that we were already done with undergraduate studies. Then, he looked at us and said “ YOU GUYS ARE LUCKY”

Have you ever had that moment where you have realized how “aloof” you've been until someone else mentions the obvious? And it only takes that one single comment for you to ground yourself back to reality? Well that is how I felt, the exact moment I heard that sentence from Ghenghiz. It's true, it has been an exhausting 2 months, everything from the hot weather, the 20+ mosquito bites, the riding the bike during the peak of the day, the four hour language six times/week, the 3 hour technical five days a week at the most “suck your life out” location, the repeated flip charting and on top of all that the pressure to be “ riap roiy” has probably left most of us questioning our skills/abilities rather than feeling 100% ready to tackle our site. But when you think about it though at the end of the day, we ARE the lucky ones because we control our lives here. Doesn't matter if we are living in the fish-bowl or locking our selves in our room, we control whether we want to be here or not. We control our last strike, whether it be 2 months from now, 1 year from now, or two years from now. I get to say when I have had enough “rice” that it is just time for me to go home; but of course, I would never* say that because I am loving life here. Still, knowing how grateful and lucky I am to be here makes all those negatives seem just a normal part of my day that I just smile and live by :) Every day, every moment there are times where we get frustrated with our situation here; and we miss the people, the food, the convenience of life that we have left behind but, at least for me, everything comes back to the fact that “ this is what I wanted 2 years ago”. If we want, all this can end as soon as tomorrow and that we will be on the next plane ride home but as much as we complain, we are here because we want to be. Having the right to chose, the option to leave when we have had enough makes us “ lucky” therefore, take in the frustration, the happiness, the knowledge and the culture, you will be surprised how much “ luckier” you will feel once it is all over and done (and that day will also come :)
* P.S. of course, never say never either :)

Sweet Sweet Saraburi

It's my second day here in Saraburi, I'm actually leaving in the afternoon. My Subdistrict office has a meeting at 10 o'clock and after that, my city's Mayor and the assistant Mayor are taking me back to my province. So far, I have not found anything to complain about concerning Sao Hai (the name of my city). Yesterday I spent the entire day visiting different groups around the village. First, the SAO (Subdistrict office) is building a day care center right outside of the office building; therefore, they took me to the nearby school to visit the children who will be moved to the new nursery/day-care. I'm not sure how much " community development" I will be doing with the 2-3 year olds but I think it will be a good tool for me to integrate into the community. Once the building is complete in about 2 months, I can spend my days there, learn some thai, teach some English and most important, get to know the parents/teachers through spending couple days at the day-care.

After that, we visited the Health Center/Clinic, the leader of the Clinic seemed really excited to see me and excited for me to be helping out. I told them that I'm going to tag along when they do home- visits in the village. I basically told everyone I'll be doing a lot of " tagging along" my first couple months there. I would love to do some projects relating to " healthy life style" with the clinic. So if anyone has any ideas on how I can approach that, feel free to share :)

Then along the way, we visited the police station just to let them know a foreigner will be riding around her bicycle in about a month for two years hahaha. Anyhow, one of the villages grow their own organic vegetables, we walked around to see their vegetable field. Did I mention that my city's main income source is through agriculture. I see rice and vegetables fields more than I see houses/shops. It sucks a bit that I do not know much about agriculture, so that's going to be my challenge, Although it will be great to work with Youth, the Health Clinic and other income generating groups I also think that I need to be involved in the asset of the village which is " agriculture". Once again, if anyone you know is involved in agriculture, I would love to do an exchange of information :)

Also, the last place we visited was a dessert making women's group. I helped them make some Thai desserts and told them I'll be back to work with them in about a month. There are many these type of "income-generating groups" in the village. Once I settle permanently, I'm going to take my time getting to know their strengths, weaknesses and challenges in order for me to help them with their businesses, expand their markets or whatever else they need.

I was also very excited to find out that the SAO office has a Youth group called " To Be Number One" I can see myself getting very involved with this group. I found out that they are from the ages of 18- 25 so I can start thinking about what kind of projects I can be involved with them. I am very excited about what is to come. We are always told by P.C to not come in with a 6-months plan of our own since it takes a while to really gain the trust of the local people and to actually get them involved with our work as a volunteer; all of which are completely true :) But I can still be excited right?

One day at a time :)
- Zari

BANGKOK-> ChoYoPUM -> SARABURI

Things are getting pretty stable now; first of all, I am currently in Bangkok about to journey to a province in North East Thailand to visit a volunteer for two days, then I head to my own Province where I'll be living for the next two years - it's called SARABURI- and it's located in Central Thailand ( take out your planners, take out those dollars and buy that ticket for your visit!!!! ) Anyways, I cannot wait to actually experience couple days there; although from what I've heard it's not all that different from where I have been living the past couple months. During my site interview weeks ago, I have mentioned to them that I liked the convenience of Central Thailand, close to the Capital/resources/organization and also a good starting ground to visit other provinces. Therefore I am very content with where they have placed me. I will be living with a temporary host family Sunday and Monday, where I will also visit the Sub-district office that I will be partnered with as a Community Development volunteer. I cannot wait to see the people and the town that I will call " home" ; it should be an amazing journey until Tuesday when I have to take a bus back to Chainat (and back to my village).

Let's wish me a safe journey, that I take the ride bus and get back to my village in one piece on Tuesday!

let's DO THIS!
- Z