“ I don't get scared, I just do it”

If I did not learn anything else the past 10 weeks from my Ajaan (Teacher/Ms. Suthinee) I sure have taken away the lesson that - you cannot be scared, you really just have to go for it. I do not remember what we were talking about one day, but Ajaan looks at us and says “ If you get scared you will never do it; I do not get scared, I just go for it”. And again today, perhaps during our LAST lunch together with our Ajaan and her four students (Me, Joel, Kat and TD) Ajaan reminds me of the same lesson :) Remind you, we were only talking about my inability to swim (or float) and how I always had this anxiety or panic whenever I try to learn; Ajaan sharply turns to me and says “ just do it Zerina, do not be scared”.

With training almost coming to an end, and with the thought of the change we are going to face in less than a week, words such as “anxiety, fear, panic” have been, if not part of our daily vocabulary but at least in the minds of every volunteer. I still feel like all this is 'surreal'. Although I am physically writing this blog all the way from Thailand, sharing my experience and telling all of you how anxious I am feeling, a huge part of me still have not caught up with 'reality'. I need someone to shake me really hard and tell me “ Yeah it is going to get hot, hotter and hottest, so suck it up and LIVE with it, you are living here for two years!”

Well to catch up with that REALITY, the past 10 weeks has been “interesting” to say the least. There were moments where I laughed till I had tears in my eyes, moments that took my breathe away (i.e. seeing the sunset near the Chapraya River), moments where I questioned my ability/ my role as a volunteer here, moments where I wish I could show my annoyance, frustration and even moments where I wish I could just let go, cry it out or ask for a simple hug. Though when I think about it, as I am typing this out, all those “moments” are all parts of what makes LIFE worthwhile :)

It has been a tough couple days for me, but I got to remember that " each day gets better" and that does seem like the case. As I was using my Sister's computer at home she and I started having some random conversations; then she asked me " Why did you come to Thailand?" I said to her just simply " because I like to help people"... then, I got interested in what my host families thought of me being here as a Volunteer. My sister went into google dictionary and typed in a thai word that translated to " SACRIFICE". She told me in mostly Thai but partial English " knowing that you are my age, they do not understand why you would leave your work, beautiful, life in the States to come to Hot, Tiring Thailand". Simply hearing that from my sister, made everything,everyday worthwhile.. It's so true, you never know with every step you take, whom you have effected, whom have questioned your purpose and whom really appreciate your genuinity :)





Keep your head up!